Past Memories
by seaweedfma
Summary: After Maes Hughes died, he thought he couldn't lose any more. Unfortunately, he was dead wrong. Roy x Riza and hints of Roy x Hughes. Rated PG for slightly adult themes, talk of death Original series episode 25 spoilers. Character death.


Title: Past Memories  
Author: Seaweed Otter  
Pairing: Roy x Riza (and non subtle hints of past Roy x Hughes)  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Character deaths and anime spoilers. What movie? AU after ep. 51.

Author's notes: Yay for angstysad!Roy.  
It's **cornerofmadness**'s fault for writing awesome Roy x Riza. Now I wanna try, but I won't do as well.

I wrote this as practice, to get back into the groove of writing before I get back into my 2 multi-chapter epics.

Summary: The future is bleak when all you can see is the past. 

**

"You were my rock, my anchor. I'm nothing without you- adrift in a vast sea. I… can't do this without you." Roy Mustang put his forehead against the cold stone that he was kneeling in front of and closed his remaining eye- for the only the second time in his life not caring who saw the tears streaming down his face. A fresh wave of sadness swept over him when he remembered the last time the tears had come so quickly unbidden.

Had it really been nearly 10 years? Indeed it had. The world was a different place then, but not so very different the more the thought about it.

He had buried his best friend that day. It had started out with a few puffy clouds lingering in the sky, but the deep clouds- gray and heavy with moisture- had moved in as the funeral wore on. The irony of it had not escaped the Flame Alchemist, but he stifled the sad, lonely chuckle that welled up in his chest- knowing that no one would understand the macabre humor on this terribly sad occasion.

Not many had known the true depths of the feelings that Roy had for the man that they buried. Gracia had known, of course. They had been involved with each other years before she came into the picture. She never fully understood their feelings for each other, but she knew that Maes would always put her first, and Roy understood. The alchemist was pretty sure that Breda and Havoc at least suspected something, but they were his loyal soldiers, and never breathed a word to anyone.

And then, there was Riza Hawkeye. He knew that she was aware of their love for each other. But he also knew that it pained her to no end to think of him with someone else, especially with another man- a man who was a fellow solider and a person whom she called friend. Roy knew how she felt about him, and he felt something for her as well, but their stubborn pride made it impossible for either of them to make the first move.

That is, until the funeral. Everyone else had already left, and Hawkeye- dear sweet Hawkeye- had stayed with him. She had seen the tears come down his face, staining his pale cheeks in two dark lines and falling softly to the freshly turned dirt below.

It was just too raw then, all the fear and sadness and regret. And the next morning, when he opened his eyes to a sea of golden hair in front of him, he regretted what he had done. He had not wanted to be alone that night, and Hawkeye had granted his desire.

But as time went on, they grew closer, and some of his guilt, his regret, his sadness faded. In some ways, it was like Roy and Maes all over again. No one could know, although it was only for some of the same reasons. She was his direct subordinate- and fraternization inside the military itself was bad enough, but with someone under your command… well… that's even worse.

After Roy's brush with the Fuhrer, and the uprising that both he and Riza played large parts in, they were lucky to come away with only a dishonorable discharge from the military. Roy learned about it while he was still in the hospital, recovering from a gunshot to face that had taken not only the sight in one eye, but most of the flesh and bone from his cheek as well. The only good thing that came from all of that was that they no longer had to be secretive about their relationship.

And Roy took no time in asking Riza to marry him, which she accepted without a hair's breath of hesitation.

Life, for a short time, had actually been good for Roy- a man who had so much pain and so much regret in the relatively short time that he had been alive.

But life, as it often does for many, had other plans for the raven haired alchemist.

It happened so suddenly. One night she was laying in bed, sleeping soundly next to the man who was going to become her husband in a few weeks, and the next thing he knew- he was kneeling before her grave, sobbing like a child and feeling like the largest part of him had just been ripped away.

He felt the cold, heavy raindrops through the thin material of his suit, and silently cursed that he no longer had the heavy gray woolen greatcoat that he military had issued him when he joined the army what seemed like a lifetime ago. Still he kept his eye closed, the utter coldness of the marble stone seeping into the skin on his forehead.

How long had it been? He wondered. Was it still light outside? Was anyone still there? How would he get home? When the tears would no longer flow, and his muscles and bones ached from staying in the same position, and his body was soaked to the bone and deathly cold, only then did he open his eye and stand up, blinking as his he adjusted to the quickly dimming light.

The sun was indeed starting to fade behind the trees in the distance. The rain had slacked to a light sprinkle, but the damage had already been done. His fedora had kept his head and face as the only places that were not soaked through.

As he stood, his aching muscles protested, and his body- starved of sleep and nourishment in the days since Riza's death- failed him as well. He felt lightheaded and dizzy, and fell down to his hands and knees, staining his pants with the previously freshly turned earth that was now a pile of mud underneath him.

From what seemed like a world away, he felt a strong, yet light hand on shoulder "Sir, let's get you out of here before you catch your death of a cold." The voice paused for a moment. "Oh… um… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"No, it's okay, Havoc. I appreciate that. I know what you mean, and I agree. I don't want to stay here any more. I… I can't."

"Here, sir. Let me help you up." Havoc offered his gloved hand, and Roy gave him his own mud-caked hand in reply.

"You don't need to call me sir. In fact, I should call you sir, Lieutenant Colonel Havoc. I hear you may make full Colonel soon."

Havoc managed a soft, sad smile. "Don't even think about it, sir. It wouldn't seem right." Havoc helped pull the man to his feet, and put his arm around Roy's shoulder to help him down the hill and towards the car that they had come to the funeral in.

Once they got to the car, and Havoc helped the exhausted man in, he got in the driver's side and lit up a cigarette before starting the car. He had gone the whole funeral without one- feeling that it would have been rather rude- and by the end of it he was a jittery, nervous wreck, on top of the intense sadness of losing a friend and fellow solider.

He could only imagine what Roy was feeling.

Havoc had always had some feelings for the young Lieutenant- far, far back when he had first joined the team- but it hadn't taken long to see that the blond sharpshooter had eyes for another, so he had never pressed the matter further.

"Are… you sure you should sleep at your place, sir? I mean, I know a lot of her stuff is there and… well, I am just worried, that's all." Havoc silently cursed himself. He could never articulate what he wanted to say, it just ended up sounding worse than what he had intended.

"No. It's okay, Havoc. But... I don't really want to be alone right now. Why don't we stop at a bar and grab a beer?"

Havoc shook his head. He knew what 'grab a beer' meant. Most likely neither of them would be in much shape to walk, much less drive anywhere by the time they were done, and Roy really needed to get into some dry clothes before he catches pneumonia. But he had cared for her too- even if it was in a different way- and selfishly, he really didn't want to be alone, either.

"Yes sir. I know a nice, quiet place close to here." He started to put the car into park before Roy stopped him.

"One moment please. I forgot something. I'll be right back." Before Havoc could protest Roy was already out of the car and walking, slowly and unsteadily up the hill towards the grave of his fiancée.

He came back a few minutes later. At first Havoc wasn't sure what he had done, but then saw that he was no longer wearing his engagement ring.

"Let's go, Havoc. I think I really need that drink."

"Yes sir," he answered, as he put the car into drive and sped off into the evening.


End file.
